Documenting the Jorney (part deux)

Some time ago, I wrote a blog entry (“Documenting the Journey”) about my leaving Fred Meyer and the eight months I spent looking for work. My intent was to take time and write about what I learned in going through that time. I’ve always been a big believer in learning from mistakes; they can be one of the best (but hardest) ways to gain wisdom. Unfortunately, after starting the process of journaling that time, I took a break from writing – about 15 months worth of break. However, this morning I had a dream that I was meeting with someone from Fred Meyer, and was being asked again about what led to my mistakes and subsequent firing. That dream resonated with me throughout the day, and when Ginger suggested turning off the TV and having a quiet evening to read, I knew what I needed to do…it’s time to finish what I started. What did I learn in that time?

1. If you know you’re in the wrong job, don’t wait until you fall apart to leave. I began my career with Fred Meyer in 1981, and went into management as a Fourth-In-Charge in 1989. I worked very hard, and moved my way up to manager in 1997. The first three or four years seemed good, but the job became harder and harder. I began to really struggle to do well, and it soon became very clear that I did not have what it took to continue my journey up the ladder. I soon began feeling that I would have a difficult time even maintaining my position. As time went on, that feeling grew and grew. There’s an age-old saying that says the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting to get different results. I knew what my issues were. I tried and tried to overcome these issues, and failed each time. My wife kept saying, “Dave, you need to get out of there”, but I stubbornly continued on, telling myself that I could fix it. I joked that they would have to fire me to get me to leave. How right I was…in hindsight, I should have listened to the wise counsel of my wife, and started working on another creating another career path before the current one ate me alive.
2. When making a great salary causes you feel like you have to violate your moral standards to survive and keep that salary, it’s time to get out. That sounds pretty basic doesn’t it? If my boss handed me a gun and told me I had to shoot anyone who was not performing well, I would have no problem walking away. But what if the decisions you make are not so blatantly wrong? What if it is just a little something that no one will notice? When you feel that your number one priority is the job because it provides for your family, and you are able to overlook the small things in order to maintain that income, you’ve crossed a line when money is more important than integrity – it’s time to start looking elsewhere, even if the money is not as good.
3. Never underestimate your wife. In the Bible, Proverbs 18:22 says, “The man who finds a wife finds a treasure, and finds favor with God”. There have been many times where I have felt close to my wife, and times that strengthened the bond between us, but nothing brought us together like those eight months. She held me as I mourned, encouraged me when I was down, and truly embraced me – physically, mentally, and in any other way you can be embraced. Her joy at my being free from the bonds of my former job was not what I was expecting, or what I felt I deserved from her. Her faith in God told her that we would be OK, and she believed it. Not in a timid ‘OK, I’ll trust you, God’ way, but a true heartfelt belief. I would not have made it through that time without her, and in her actions I saw was love and grace look like in human terms.
4. Don’t ever allow your job to outweigh time with your family. I spent so much time focused on my job, which left little to no energy for engaging myself in my family. Eventually, they see your actions as your ‘normal’, and look elsewhere for the guidance that you should be providing. Once I was able to distance myself from the fog I was working in, I could see clearly what I was missing, but it’s difficult to overturn years of tuning out. There are arguments that debate “quality vs. quantity” in your time with your family. What I learned is, when you’re home, be at home. When you’re at work, be at work. When you confuse the two, you’re not doing real well at either place.
5. There is dignity in admitting when you screw up, and in how you face your mistakes. When I was fired, there was a huge amount of self-inflicted guilt and shame that enveloped me like a dive into a deep pool. As an introvert, my first instinct was to crawl into bed and stay there. However, for some reason I felt the need to talk – to share what had happened, to be honest about what had happened, and to live with the consequences, whatever they might be. I sent out a large group email to friends and family, explaining what had happened, and asking for their prayers. The responses I received were overwhelming – so much affirmation at a time when I felt so empty. When people asked, we were candid with them – no hiding the facts, no cover-up. It really cut off any chance for gossip, and let people know that they could talk to my about it openly. I also felt very positive about my last interactions with my supervisors – in my last meeting with my direct boss, we spent a half hour talking through issues in my department, things that he could pass on to a new supervisor. We celebrated the results of an audit that had occurred just a couple of hours before I was fired – an audit that had been a struggle for some time, but in that particular time was a huge success. I felt like I was able to leave well, on positive terms. Taking responsibility for my actions and being honest left me feeling like I still represented myself well, even when my prior actions had created the separation.
6. Having good friends means the world. Albert Schweitzer once said, “In everyone’s life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.” As soon as I told Ginger what had happened, we called one of the elders in our church; he and his wife are also good friends. They had house guests at the time, but left them to come meet with us for a few minutes, and then invited us to dinner the next night to talk more deeply. They were an amazing encouragement, not just because of their love and understanding, but because the advice they offered was not just good advice, but spectacular! They helped us set forth a game plan for the coming weeks that proved to be ideal, and walked through those steps with us.
7. You cannot spend 24/7 looking for a job. A book that really helped us through this time talked about seasons in our life. While we may be in a time that feels like winter, we need to remember that there are things you can do in winter that you can’t do other times of the year. When else can you play in the snow? When you’re tied to a 40-50-60 hour a week job, there’s not a lot of time for anything else. When you’re not working, you do spend a great deal of time job hunting. But at what other times in your life will you have that kind of freedom? I made sure I spent quality time each day filling out applications, calling on leads, and going on interviews. I also spent time investing in friendships. Playing more music. Watching more movies (because I wasn’t too tired to stay up!). Yes, with great freedom comes great responsibility, but take advantage of that freedom.
8. Take some time to volunteer! With that freedom of time came the freedom to invest  in other issues besides myself. Just before I was fired, Ginger started volunteering for My Father’s House, a shelter for homeless families near our house. After allowing me a few weeks to grieve and get into a rhythm of job searching, Ginger urged me to spend some time each week there. I ended up volunteering in their computer lab, spending 2-3 days a week there for five months. My task? Helping people write resumes and apply for jobs. It allowed me to take something I was very familiar with, and pass that knowledge onto others. At a time in my life when I felt worthless at times, I was able to do something useful, giving me a sense of purpose. 
9. Don’t take grace for granted. I’ve written before about love songs – how they all seem silly until you’re finally in love, at which point they become the most poignant songs ever penned. I feel like I always understood God’s grace, but felt that I was generally a good guy anyway, so that grace just seemed like a forgone conclusion. After failing at integrity and coming home in tears, it was like listening to that love song after falling for Ginger, only this time it was God telling me in song, “that grace thing? It’s real”. I remember once Sunday leading music at church. We began to sing the song “The Stand”…

You stood before creation, eternity in Your hand.

You spoke the earth into motion, my soul now to stand.

You stood before my failure, carried the cross for my shame

my sin weighed upon Your shoulders, my soul now to stand

As we continued, my voice began to crack and I struggled to sing.

So what can I say? What can I do?
But offer this heart O God completely to You

Cue the tears….

So I'll walk upon salvation, your Spirit alive in me,
This life to declare Your promise, my soul now to stand

So what can I say? What can I do?
But offer this heart O God completely to You

By this time, I’m a complete mess – tears are rolling down my face as I realize just what that grace means, and how much God loves me in spite of me. At this point in the song, the song picks up in intensity, and the entire congregation is standing with their arms in the air, singing with me…

So I'll stand, with arms high and heart abandoned -
In awe of the One who gave it all

So I'll stand, my soul Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours

So here I am, two and a half years later. What did I learn? A lot. Most importantly, God loves me. He always has. He always will. Even when I don’t act like it. If I didn’t learn anything else, that would be enough. God really is good – ALL THE TIME!

Feeling Comfortable In My Own Skin

Hello, my name is Dave. I’m an Introvert. (All together now: “Hi, Dave!”). That may surprise some people. Others may say, “well, duh…”. I’ve always known that I struggle in certain social situations. At the same time, I can sound fairly confident when speaking in public, and have no problem in expressing myself in other ways, like writing or music. It’s always been difficult to explain to people how it feels. Donald Miller (author of “Blue Like Jazz”) had a great post on his blog this morning, in which he gives advice for those dealing with introverts. As I read each one, I found myself saying YES! to each one, and knew I had to cut and paste his thoughts into my world…here’s what he had to say:

  When interacting with an introvert:

 · Choose one-on one over large groups. While I love speaking in front of thousands, mingling isn’t my thing. If I’m at a party, I’ll typically speak with one or two people for a longer period of time. If you’re interacting with an introvert, just know they don’t want to “work the room.”

 · Let them recharge. Introverts don’t want to do several social events in one day. They can survive, and even thrive, on just one or two per week. If you’re dealing with an introvert and you’re lining up meeting after meeting or coffee followed by lunch followed by a “get together” then happy hour and dinner and then drinks after with yet another group, it’s going to be torture. Introverts are like that cell phone you’ve got that needs to be recharged several times per day. In their minds, they’re running a lot of applications.

 · Go deep or go home. Mostly, introverts live in their minds and they think about why things happen or they daydream or whatever. Shallow conversations about the weather, at least for me, are painful. I just don’t want to have them. It’s not that I want to talk about politics or theology, I don’t, but I don’t want to have conversations that aren’t going somewhere. I want to talk about your passions, your fears, your musings about why you think life is the way it is. The cool thing is, once I know we can go there, I can talk to that person about anything shallow, including the weather. I just have to know we can go to the deep end when we feel like it.

 · Give them some space. My old roommate, Mike, once said to me, “Don, you know I’ve figured you out a little bit. You need about ten minutes of space when you come home before you engage in a conversation.” His observation was profound. I hadn’t realized it myself, but he was dead on. Introverts don’t want to be mobbed when they get to their place of security, or for that matter, anywhere else. They want to transition and get comfortable and then engage. When an introvert comes home and is charged with some social responsibility immediately, it’s tough. Give him or her ten minutes to transition and it’ll pay you back a thousand fold.

 · Work with them to compromise. Forcing an introvert to go out all the time will backfire. They don’t want to be around people that much. But if you’re in a relationship with an introvert, you obviously can’t capitulate to every need. So strike some compromises. Usually, if you give an introvert some down time, they’re good for a few social events each week.

Documenting the Journey

I’ve decided that writing is kind of like eating. Twitter reminds me grabbing a piece of toast as you run out the door – it’s really fast and easy when you’re on the run, but doesn’t really fill you up. Facebook posts are like eating at McDonalds. There’s a little more substance there, you know in your heart that it’s not good for you, but it is pretty quick and easy, and when your life is moving fast, you can survive on it. Writing in a blog for me is more like a really good home cooked meal. It’s more planned out. It is normally pretty nutritionally good for you. Most of all, it takes time to prepare, and time to digest.

It’s the whole “slow-food-vs-fast-food” idea. So much of life is a blur – so many commitments, so little time. Communication is limited to those 140 character tweets, or the slightly more generous 420 characters that Facebook allows in their posts. The absolutely wonderful thing about writing in a blog is the absence of limits. I can put down the thoughts as they flow, and not worry about having to drastically edit my words to meet the limitations of social media. It’s a clean kitchen with full cupboards, refrigerator and freezer – let the cooking begin!

It’s been 21 months since I last posted anything in my blog. Where did all of that time go? I look back and see what life was like then compared to now. So many changes in a what seems like a short period of my life. My son had just moved out a few months before, and I was experiencing the weirdness that comes from having one of your own leave the nest. I’m happy to see that he’s doing well on his own. Since that time, our oldest daughter has followed suit, leaving us with a foursome here at home. Ginger went back to work for a time, and is now back at home. Kai went from being homeschooled, switched back to the Co-op school for a year, then when it shut down, he started high school at Alliance Charter Academy in Oregon City. Carolyn continues to go to school and babysit. Kind of normal transitions in life, you might say. But then, a year ago I went through a big one; the kind of change that forces one to reevaluate everything in their life.

On November 25th, 2010. I was fired from a job that I held for 29 years. Even typing that sentence brings a hint of discomfort. There are so many feelings that come with that statement. Guilt over screwing up. Frustration with myself for not following my values (Romans 7:15 definitely applies here!). Shame in facing my former co-workers. Anger with myself in losing a job that provided very well for my family. In 29 years, you build up some pretty decent benefits; all gone.

First, let me explain. As manager of a large retail store, I was responsible for a multitude of things, many involving paperwork. The standard joke was always that we were expected to be able to juggle fifteen balls, but could only reasonably juggle twelve, so you had to pick which ones were mot crucial, and do the best you could with the rest. Unfortunately, as we approached the very busy holiday season, I chose to put down one of the balls, and sign off that it had been completed. My choice cost me my career.

The purpose of this post is not to relive the past; it is more of a “State Of The Dave” report; where has that fateful decision left me, just one year later? What have I learned from this experience? I think it’s crucial to take the time to document the experience. As George Santayana said in his book Reason in Common Sense, "Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it". I did attempt to do my best on Facebook to convey the journey, but once again, 420 characters doesn’t cover it…

"It was a year ago today that I had a major shakeup in my life. This past year has shown me very clearly just how much I have to be thankful for! God loves me in spite of my faults and failures, and sent his son to pay the price for them. That should be enough, but he's also given me an AMAZING wife...loving kids...great extended family and church family...a new job where I love what I do and feel appreciated every day. I am so blessed, and very thankful today and every day."

So, back to the original question – what have I learned from my experience? The next few blog posts will attempt to cover the last year – the journey through pain and grief; the lessons learned, and the things that I want to never forget. Feel free to follow along or not as you see fit.

I Cannot Do This Alone

My small group at church is using the Mosaic Bible as a study guide each week. Along with the New Living Translation of the Bible, the Mosaic Bible contains weekly bible readings, devotionals and artwork from a variety of sources and eras, all based around the church calendar. This week’s readings are a part of the Lent season, and focused on our dependence on God. One of the readings was written by Dietrich Bonhoeffer, and could be best categorized as a perfect snapshot of where I am right now. I read it once, then twice, and again and again. I know that the trials in my life are nothing compared to what he went through, but I can definitely feel the cares of the day getting in the way of my relationship with God. I need to remember that as he said, I cannot do it alone.


I Cannot Do This Alone

O God, early in the morning I cry to you.
Help me to pray
And to concentrate my thoughts on you:
I cannot do this alone.

In me there is darkness,
But with you there is light;
I am lonely, but you do not leave me;
I am feeble in heart, but with you there is help;
I am restless, but with you there is peace.
In me there is bitterness, but with you there is patience;
I do not understand your ways,
But you know the way for me…

Restore me to liberty,
And enable me to live now
That I may answer before you and before me.
Lord, whatever this day may bring,
Your name be praised.

A Life That Is Not My Own

It’s been said that you can’t really understand a love song until you fall in love. Then, as if a filter has been lifted, you suddenly feel all of the emotions in each song, and find yourself singing along. I think that’s true with any song that characterizes a particular period in your life. You don’t have a real understanding until you’ve been through it.

We’ve entered a new phase in the Clausen household, as our oldest son has moved out on his own. Fortunately, we are on good terms, and we continue to see him occasionally. However, part of that new phase is the start of the empty nest syndrome. It’s odd to have someone who has been part of your household for 20 years suddenly no longer a part of that daily life. It is not easy to explain. However, like love, sometimes a song suns it up best. Bob Bennett has always been a favorite artist of mine; an amazing guitarist and skillful songwriter. I’ve always liked this song, but now that I am feeling the emotions he was feeling when he wrote it, it takes on an even greater meaning.

A LIFE THAT IS NOT MY OWN
Bob Bennett
© 2001 Bright Avenue Songs (ASCAP)

This is my Father's world
I trust these days are in His plan
I am my Father's child
He holds my life in loving hand
I cry out loud, He shares my tears
I'm so afraid, He calms my fears
O Lord, I offer up these many years
Of a life that is not my own

This child is a gift to me
Though he must grow away, apart
I never knew that God and I
Could share a tender father's heart
And when the distance is too hard to bear
When it's so painful to love and to care
May I be grateful for the time that I could share
In a life that is not my own
A life that is not my own

We will sleep under the same moon tonight
We will walk under the same sun tomorrow
Someday to gather in our one true home
Where no goodbyes can cause this kind of sorrow

This is my Father's world
With all the questions it can bring
I am my Father's child
Though I am broken, I can sing
Of all the things that He has done
A Father offering up His Son
And a life like mine that has become
A life that is not my own

It's only stuff...

My wife and I went out on a date today. When we left, we still weren't quite sure where we were headed, so we pulled into the parking lot at the local high school, which is just a block down the the street from our house. As we sat and talked, I noticed that the house next to the parking lot was having a garage sale. I didn't think much of it...it was a fairly warm sunny day, a great day to clean out unwanted items. I watched as two men rolled out a large red stacking tool box and loaded it into their truck. Wow, you don't see those at garage sales too often, I thought. Then it dawned on me which house was having the sale. This house had been rocked by tragedy just a few months before. In what was termed a murder/suicide attempt, A husband shot his wife before turning the gun on himself. Fortunately, the wife survived the attempt, and was able to call for help. I didn't know the couple, although they lived just a few houses away. Close neighbors had good things to say about the man - a good neighbor, helpful, no sign of troubles. And yet here I sat, watching as what was left of his worldly possessions was carted away by bargain hunting shoppers. It was kind of a unreal moment - lots of things running through my mind. What wil be left when my life ends? I can't say that there's a lot of loot to pass on. And yet, my stuff is not who I am. It's just stuff. If anything, as we drove away, I felt the renewed idea that I should be focused on laying up treasures in heaven, and that the only thing I can leave here is memories.

Analogies

In life, sometimes we use analogies to paint a better picture of what we are describing. Sometimes though, an analogy can lose a little in the translation.

I heard one example of this from our church’s youth pastor, Daniel Meadows. He mentioned that one of his favorite songs was Todd Agnew’s ”Grace Like Rain”. He said that in Portland, we never could really appreciate the song because our usual Portland rain varies from an irritating mist to a light drizzle that goes on for hours and hours. You could get from your house to your car and stay fairly dry, since the rain was so light. However, the previous day, we had a rainstorm that was unique for our area. It was as if the skies had opened up and let loose everything they held. No wind, no lightning – just a solid, steady, heavy downpour that sent rivers of water racing down the street. There was no way you could set foot outside of the house without feeling the water drench you. Daniel said that this storm was a little more like the ones he had grown up in the Midwest. With that experience, the phrase “Grace Like Rain” took on a different meaning; it describes the grace of God as something you cannot avoid, something that covers you fully. His description brought that analogy to life for me in a whole new way.

I had a new realization of an analogy used by God himself while vacationing this week in Central Oregon. We were camping at Prineville Reservoir for a couple of days. As we arrived in Prineville, we noticed that the moon was going to be setting not long after the sun, leaving the skies dark. Living in a major metropolitan city of over a million people, the light from the city hides the view of all but the brightest stars. We looked forward to being able to see a much bigger picture of God’s creation once the sun went down.

Later that night, we were rewarded with one of the most amazing night skies I had ever seen. I tried to come up with a guess of how many stars I could see plainly enough to count, but it was simply too much for the mind to conjure up. Add to that the mist of white scattered across the sky – the stars that are too small to count, but together make up the Milky Way. My family and I stood outside, just staring up at the sky in amazement.

It was then that I recalled Genesis 22:17-18, where God promises Abraham, “I will surely bless you and make your descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky and as the sand on the seashore. Your descendants will take possession of the cities of their enemies, and through your offspring all nations on earth will be blessed, because you have obeyed me." Now, if Abraham were living in Portland, that might not have made such a huge impression on him. When the clouds aren’t covering the sky, we might be lucky to see a dozen or two stars. Back in his day, there was no light pollution to filter God’s promise through. When God spoke, Abraham could look up and see that same sky filled with millions of stars. If I were him, the thought of being the patriarch for millions might be a tad bit intimidating. Seeing the night sky through his eyes reminded me of God’s love and faithfulness, and that God’s promises are true, even when we can’t see the whole picture.